Day Eleven: I am Thankful for the Dawning of a New Day....

.... cuz yesterday ended up SUCKING!!!!  AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was one of those reality checks.  It was life kicking me in the stomach saying, "hey... things were going really great, so here ya go... take that!"  It was a huge setback in all that I've felt I've accomplished and achieved... and maybe it was just more of a letdown than anything else... but yesterday, in my mind, and in that moment... was pretty damn bad and the fact that I didn't have a breakdown is a freakin' miracle.

Yesterday, I went to work... Luke went to Nana and Papa's and Ally went to school... just like any other Wednesday.  But, one Wednesday a month, Ally has Girl Scouts and I was helping out at this meeting. I also made the snack for the meeting... so I spent all evening Tuesday making three pans of brownies, one at a time.  I was late to work because I had to cut these brownies as evenly as possible Wednesday morning and get them ready to go. Left work a bit early to get to the meeting early, to help their troop leader set up.  So far, so good.....

The girls join us in the girl scout room after school.  20 girls.  Whew!!!!  They are quite the bundle of energy to try to keep quiet and still after a day in the classroom! I give Monica HUGE props for taking on this challenge.  Snack is right away and everyone devours their brownies and things are going well. They then, have some time to talk about various goals and upcoming events... all is going just fine.  Other than the occasional outburst from a girl who can't sit still, the girls (all of them!) are doing great!  Ally is sitting with her friends, glancing at me every now and then, smiling. I can tell she's just so proud that I am there and that all her friends loved the snack we brought.

Then, we are moving on to the craft/task of the day. The girls are going to make a "Sit Upon" and they are going to earn a badge as a result of completing this task. The actual "Sit Upon" is a little pillow of fleece fabric, tied together and stuffed.... you've seen the blankets and pillows made in this fashion... simple enough for most people/girls to do.  But, Ally does not know how to tie.

Yes, she is almost 8 and does not know how to tie.  Epic.  Mom.  Fail.

I can see her start to unravel.  As I am passing out supplies, I go to her and attempt to help her... and you can all see where this is going to go from here.  Ally does not take direction from me.  At. All.  There's like a barrier in her brain... "when Mom is teaching me something, I cannot follow!!!"  She starts to get more and more frustrated.  Her frustration turns to anger. Her anger turns to tears.  And, now, even though her friends are trying to be kind and help.... she cannot be brought back to reality. She is completely gone.  I cannot reach her.

I take her out of the room and she starts to lose it even more. She screaming. Throwing things. Saying she doesn't care if her friends hear her. She doesn't care if they think she's a baby.  She cannot even breathe she's so upset.

I go back into the room... struggling to keep it together myself, and collect our things. Make my apologies to the troop leader and slink out of there... trying to cause as little a scene as possible... even though that ship has certainly sailed.

As we are walking down the stairs... Ally throws her headband at me.... and is now screaming in rage that we are leaving. What?  You think we are going to STAY with you acting this way? REALLY????? REALLY?????

We walk to the car.... and at this point,  I cannot hold it together.  I am crying.... and thinking all the while.  Okay, maybe I'm just not strong enough to be a parent.  I can't even hold it together when she acts like this.  I call Scott, who says he will leave early and go get Luke so I don't have to stop at my in-laws in the midst of what is sure to be a meltdown that will not end anytime soon.

I know my daughter well enough to know she's not soon to work her way out of this one.......

So, we get home... and I go into my room to have a good cry, pull it together and come out to face Ally. She is just screaming and doing cartwheels all over the house.... this is her coping mechanism lately... constant cartwheels.... She's now upset because she won't earn her badge... she's upset because we left.... because Daddy's not home... and she hates me and wishes I wasn't her mom... and wishes I never came to her meeting... and wishes she never had to go back again... and doesn't care of she has no friends.... and the list goes on and on and on.....

She absolutely works herself into a fit... and spirals downward. There is nothing I can say or do to stop it at this point... I guess I just have to let her hit rock bottom.... which unfortunately happens when she has gotten in my face for about two hours and I finally scream back at her... after hours of trying to speak calmly. Reason. Ignore. ( I am making dinner through all of this...)  She finally says something that makes me snap and I absolutely scream right back at her.....

And she has won. She finally got a reaction out of me. I have lost the battle. Epic.  Mom.  Fail.  Once again.  :-(

I cannot stand the fact that she needs emotions to reach this pinnacle before she can turn it around.... And, I'm not even 100% sure that's what she needed... cuz right after that, Scott and Luke got home... and she appeared to come out of it in their presence.

I don't know how to feel about any of it.  I feel like I am failing her in some HUGE way that she can't cope with the easiest of challenges. I worry for how will react in the future.

Then, I wonder if it was just my presence.  Did I make it worse because she cannot take direction from me?  I tried to talk to her about how she deals with not being able to do something in school... I ask her if she cries when she doesn't understand... and she tells me she doesn't feel that way. That her teacher helps her and explains. That I don't explain things correctly.

Okay????

I know she was just spiraling out of control. That the hurtful things she said weren't really meant. But, I cannot help but feel I am constantly doing so much for her... constantly trying so hard to be present in her life... active in her school... in her activities.  I worked full time and could do so little for so long, but now I am more present than ever... and I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself cuz dammit, I deserve some freakin' credit for that!!!

So.... here I sit.... crying as I type this and relive it... wondering what I did to earn this difficult child.  There were 20 girls in that room... and a least a third of them required help... and not one of them cried or screamed or got that worked up about it.  Not one.  Her closest friends even tried to help her... and I even got an email from the troop leader that the girls were so worried about her and that some of them worked together to finish hers for her and they plan to give it to her today.

She will still earn her badge, because she did, in fact... "try."

So... I guess... I still earn my badge... because I don't give up on this girl... I keep putting myself out there and I do indeed "try."  I can't shelter her from the world of pain... we must continue to go out there and risk her melting down... and hopefully things will continue to get better.... cuz if you've been a reader for a while, you have heard me say for some time now... that they ARE so much better...

This is just a little setback... and this too shall pass.....

Ugh.