Day Twenty-Three: I am Thankful for What my Children Teach Me...

Yesterday after picking Ally up from gymnastics and having a peaceful dinner, all hell broke loose!!!  Ally snapped about something. You never know what is going to set the girl off.... and as you all know, she spirals out of control from there.  She yelled. Screamed. Slammed her door (have I mentioned she has actually BROKEN her door from so much slamming???). Told us we were horrid parents... and then, packed some shit up and walked out the front door.  She was leaving.

Is it wrong that I simply, calmly, said... "goodbye Ally, I will miss you?"  No.  I think it was appropriate for the situation.

Luke has to get into the act just because of the stress of it all.  At first, when she has fits like that in his presence, he doesn't know what to do. He asks why she's crying, and will even try to talk to her. She will snap at him... hurt his feelings... and then, he too will start lashing out at everything. It's actually a really sad situation because I can see that he genuinely is worried about her and trying to help... and she sends him away crying and pissed off.

Her rants didn't last too long.  Long enough.  At one point, while summoning up all the patience inside me.... she started yelling about what an awful, mean mom I was.  There always seems to be some breaking point for me... and this time, that was it.  An awful mom? Really? The mom who just wrote a huge check to your gymnastics class? The mom who is taking you and all your gymnastics girlfriends to an MSU meet, dinner and special things for an evening in a couple weeks? The mom who took you to see Mary Poppins a week ago? Who pays for you to go to a great school?  The one who went part time because she thought it was in your best interest for her to spend more time with you? THAT ONE???? THAT MOM????

Good lord girl..... I feel like I have changed and turned my life completely around for you... and willingly so.  Happily so.  But damn if there is no thanks in return.

Someone recently reminded me:  Parenting. The most thankLESS job you'll ever have.

Ain't that the truth???

Something I read recently stated: "God doesn't give you challenges for you to work your way THROUGH them, no, he gives them to you so you can LEARN from them."

So.... I have been trying like hell to hear what my children are trying to say to me. I am working my butt off trying to learn from each and every one of these outbursts.... these trying moments.... and also, trying to really sit and bask in the good, great and damn wonderful moments! Cuz they can turn on me on a dime.

I think more than anything... over this past year.... I am learning to be a more patient person. A more present person.  I have to summon this patience up from the depths sometimes... but I try very hard.  And I often fail and snap.... but that happens few and farther between... and well, I can't beat myself up about it.  I daily try to do what's best for my kids, my family, myself and my husband.  And I am learning all the while.

I really do think these outbursts are a result of something missing. Either something Ally is not getting from her parents... or possibly something she just can't get at all that she wants so desperately. There could be bigger issues at play here.  Who knows? Time will tell.

Ally will be going to see Dot again in a week or so.  She has directly asked to see her again... because she can actually recognize that she has anger in her she can't control. And she "wants help."  It breaks my heart that she is intelligent enough to recognize something is off or wrong. But, it makes me so damn proud that she is willing to ask for help and can admit that something is wrong.

She last saw Dot (a children's therapist for those of you that don't know her), when I was pregnant for Luke and she started the fits. So, she was four.  And she remembers her... which Dot finds remarkable.  She cannot believe she asked directly for her and looks forward to teaching her some techniques and helping her.  Just making that phone call last week made me feel better.... like a possible light at the end of our tunnel.....

So, patience.... presence.... and ask for help when we need it.  None of us are perfect. These are the things my children teach me. Thanks kids.  :-)