Not Feeling Bloggy....

I don't know what's up with me lately... I don't feel much like blogging.  I think there are a number of reasons for this..... one, I wonder "is there anyone out there actually READING this? does anyone care???".... two, I would rather do a zillion other things with free moments....... three, the only moments I make for it (that are free) are usually my lunch hour (like now) at work, and I don't always have that free... and definitely don't have access to any pictures!

So....... here I am. I have a moment..... so I am gonna do a quick update and ponder my existence in blog world.  ;-)

We are into the third week of summer. Rather, we are into the third week of summer break!!!!  As I look ahead and plan (I am ALWAYS planning!!!), I see there are only EIGHT more weeks before Ally returns to school... and Luke starts PRESCHOOL!!!!! That seems short. I feel my throat closing in.  I need more summer time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love the summer mornings. I love not having to get Ally up too early (she still has to get up somewhat early on the days they go places). I love the flexibility we have.  I love the things we have been doing. I love the WEATHER. I don't want summer break to end........ okay.... I know it's not yet..... but still.  I may, just MAY be over-reacting.  :-))))))

So.... eight more glorious weeks of fun.  We are in the third week of fun.......and the kids are FINALLY healthy. Ally seems to have kicked an almost three week chest cold..... and Luke is pretty much through it as well. My poor hubby is another story... he is super sick. Home in bed sick. Can barely function sick.

I am gonna throw myself a little paragraph pity party... are ya ready?  Here it goes.....

Prior to Scott getting sick, he had two weeks of mostly travel at work. AKA - he was not home to help me at night. Then, we had Father's Day... and I pretty much gave him the weekend off. Then, he was sick last weekend.... and into this week... so I've been single parenting it.... for going on three weeks.  This is when Mommy starts to lose her shit a little bit.  ;-) But, I'm keeping it together the best I can......  I feel more exhausted than anything.....

Pity party over......

The kids and I have gone to the pool a ton..... I usually try to either make sure Ally has a friend that is going to be there, or take one... cuz she is much happier having someone to swim in the big pool with.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Luke, is happy to play in the baby pool with me nearby or with whoever is in there.  And I usually sit near that pool. We have worked out a great routine there... and have enjoyed the pool more than I can say!! It is like a vacation for us every time we go. A great break from it all right here in town.  A good decision, all around.........

Luke is getting VERY brave...... he will pretend swim and walk all over that little pool.  He is becoming more outgoing and interacting with the other kids there.  I am super proud of how he is blossoming..... he really is ready to interact with more kids and I can't wait for him to start at St. Mary's in the fall.

Things are going wel with Ally too.  She is really responding to our new techniques with her... the most significant change coming from my trying to empathize and let it go. That is my mantra.  I chant "be empathetic and forget it...." over and over and over.  Don't make fun.  Don't judge. This shit is working people!  :-))))))

She starts to get upset and I tell her that I'm sorry and try to either leave it at that, or think of a time that I can share with her where I felt the same. Then, I leave it. Sometimes this means I have to walk away (especially if I'm particularly annoyed with her). Sometimes I have to bite my tongue (particularly when she is being snotty). My greatest response when she's just being snotty lately is "I'm sorry you feel the need to treat me this way/talk to me this way/react this way."  Then, I leave it alone.

99% of the time...... she comes out of it. For example... this morning (mornings are NEVER good), she was starting to get upset about the fact that she doesn't know how to tie. 

Yes.... yes... I know this is some epic parent fail on my part.  But... in my defense.... she does NOT take direction. I have TRIED to teach her. Always ends in tears.  So.... my defense mechanism is to just avoid. Healthy? A good choice? Hell no it's not... but it's what I got now..... so we move forward.....

Anyway... she is starting to get worked up. I can see it. Her body language is telling me this is bad.  She has Day Camp today and the counselors take her to her golf lesson. Her golf shoes are tie shoes. She is either going to have to wear her golf shoes until her lesson at 10:45 (a poor choice in footwear for the morning's activities) or ask a counselor to tie her shoes (insert gasps of horror).  I knelt down in front of her and said "Ally I am so sorry, I know it's very embarrasing and hard but you have a choice here..."  And, I went and brushed my teeth....

She dressed herself. Must have thought about it. And came into the bathroom and said.... "I want to wear my pink and purple sandals and I will ask someone to help me with my shoes."  Subject dropped. She was fine.

Good stuff. May seem simple to you. Not simple to me. Big, huge improvement.  In both of us. I would try to either convince her it was going to be okay.... make her feel like I was stuffing her feelings in a bag, or worse yet... I might have told her it was her own fault she couldn't tie... that would happen if she was starting to scream or have a fit and I was getting upset...... but I didn't... I just said I was sorry for how she felt.... and left it. She dealt with her feelings on her own.... and made a good choice.

Baby steps.........

Scott is not as practiced in all of this.  It's harder for him cuz he doesn't go with us to therapy each week. Have the conversations as often... also, he isn't around to practice this for himself as often either. So, I usually end up reminding him after he has engaged with her and escalated things.... and then, he's mad at me... and Ally's having a fit... and things have gone south fast.

It takes a lot of work and attention and PRACTICE to parent.... especially to parent my children..... who I have determined are only so hard because, of course, they are brilliant.  :-)

So.... then, Ally and I drove to day camp... she was in such good spirts today. She and I sang some Adele at the top of our lungs.. and I dropped off a very happy girl..... I hope I pick that same girl up today too!!!!  :-)

Sorry... So Sorry...

Wow... It's been a while huh?!?  I am sorry.  I just haven't taken the time to blog.  Life has been full, in a good way... and free time with which I choose to blog has been hard to find!!

We have been busy! Since  I last blogged...

• Ally has gotten out of school!  June 10 was her last day!  We had a combo party at a friend's house... both her friends and ours... so drinks for the adults... and water slides for the kids.  It was a great way to celebrate the end of a great year!
• That last week of school, we had a picnic... field day and many other events that I was able to be a part of.  Once again, thankful for my part time status at work and the time to be able to be with Ally for all the big events in her life.  I see more and more that she is proud to have me around.  :-)
• I agreed to co-lead her girl scout troop next year... and be the PTO treasurer.  Scott thinks I may have to quit my day job.  :-))))))
• My cousin Sarah moved home and I have been out with her only once which really needs to be remedied!!!  ASAP! 
• My friend Kristen had a baby girl... Mirah Lettie! She is gorgeous, but I haven't been able to see her much because....
• Luke had the chicken pox!!  Yes, he received one vaccine, but was constantly exposed to his twin cousins... so it was inevitable.  It was a super mild case and other than being grumpy, he didn't seem bothered by them a bit... so I am grateful for that!
• We had a bunch of co-workers over to celebrate the start of summer with a backyard BBQ and it was a ton of fun!!  Lots of kids... lots of beer... lots of laughs....
• I went to Lugnuts game with co-workers... also fun!
• Scott's grandpa passed away.... he was almost 90 years old and led a full life... but he will be missed by many, especially his wife of 64 years....  :(  We were lucky enough to have a graduation party for Scott's cousin the weekend before he died. So, we just saw him.
• Scott and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary! We spent the day shopping, eating and drinking in Ann Arbor and it was perfect in every way!  Great weather... great times!!!!
• Ally started Junior Golf and loves  it!!!!
• Ally has started her summer schedule of gymnastics.... going twice a week now and really having a lot of fun. She goes with three of her best friends... and I am most proud of how they support and encourage one another.  They are fun to watch!
• We have been lucky enough to spend many, many days out at the pool... and my summer tan is in full swing.  :-))))
• We celebrated father's day by spending the day with the kids, seeing Mr. Poppers Penguins and grilling out on the deck.  Scott took his dad golfing the day before.. they golfed 27 holes.. and had dinner, just the two of them.... which is a wonderful thing.
• My mom had reconstructive surgery after her mastectomy two years ago... and is recovering well at home now.
• We have gone down to every other week with Ally's therapist....

Yes, we are working our way possibly "out" of therapy.  We have all learned so much... so, so, so much... and we are by no means totally done... but therapy is really about getting through a rough patch... and learning some new tools to move forward, more healthy and whole... and I think we are getting to that point. The point in which we can move forward without needing Dot all the time.  ;-) We shall see.  I will never say goodby to her forever.  She is so good for Ally. I am so proud of Ally's time with her... and how she has grown.  She continues to struggle... Ally will never be that happy go lucky kid.... but we know WHY and how to work with it now.  I gotta tell ya though... doesn't really make it any easier..... ;-)

Just yesterday, I longed for the easy going child. Felt angry that Ally will never be that... no matter how much I work, how much I change, how much help we get her.  It's hard not to be jealous of people with "easy" children.  I know, I know... everyone has their challenges...  but sometimes I really wonder what God was thinking when he gave me (the one without any effing patience) this particular child.  :-)))))))

So... after I was done feeling sorry for myself.... my pity party ended... I bucked up... and moved on.  I started to really evaluate what I have learned about myself as a parent and about Ally as a child... and what I really need to continue to do to work toward the more peaceful home that we all long for.

I have learned in the last few months that:

• Kids need to be told NO far more often than we tell them NO.  This pertains to so much in their lives.  In my particular situation, it means I need to say "no you can't have that..." more often than I do.  We are lucky enough to "have" a lot... and we want to give our children a lot. Because we can afford it, too often we say "yes you can have that new shirt... sure you can have that toy...."  It feels good TO US to give our children things... but it doesn't lead to their being able to go to the store and NOT get something.... go anywhere and not do what they want....  So, as much as I love to give gifts... to buy her things... I have to say no over and over and over again.  Accept her anger... her disappointment... and move on.
• Kids are NOT in charge...... not of our household... not of our schedule.... not of a damn thing... and we lived a lot of our life like they were.  Ally held me emotionally hostage at times.  My mood was (and still is... we have a long way to go on this...) dictated by her mood. If Ally wakes up snappy and grumpy, so am I.  I would work an entire day around her... to please her... to not anger her.  I don't know when this happened!?!?  I was NOT the mom who couldn't let her cry it out.  I had her sleeping through the night early.... I had her living by a schedule of my choosing. I don't konw when things went so terribly wrong.... but, I have learned this (or was reminded!!!) ... Ally is not in charge of my house.... and she has to play by my rules.
• Her personality will be set by the time she's 10... and we can't do a thing to change it... so the best time to help her is now.  Ally does not have the ability to accept disappointment without a strong reaction. She does not have ability to take a compliment or a cirticism withouth being deeply affected. She does not have the ability to delay gratification. She wants something and she wants it now.  So, every day we make sure she feels and we do not 'remove' some disappointment.... we have worked out a system of compliments that she can live with... and are rewording our cirticisms.... but not removing them.  We are saying no to even the littlest things that she wants... even a $2 bottle of nail polish... or a 99 cent app..... she has to earn it..... and damn that's hard for me.  ;-)  Truly my biggest challenge is not giving her the world..... every little outfit she looks great in... it makes ME happy... but truly does not fill her up correctly......... so we are learning.
• Kids should not be bribed....  I did a lot of bribing with Ally.... "if you do this we will do that..."  So not working!!!!  Good things should be celebrated.  But, good behavior should be rewarded, not bought........ so we are turning this around........
• Mostly... I've learned that parenting a strong child takes more work, time, love, patience, energy, and understanding than I think I have in me most days....... so I am digging it up from the depths and learning myself...... so yeah, okay... I get it now God... why you gave me this child.... I hear what you're saying....... and I'm workin' on it... okay?  :-))))))

Memorial Day Weekend...

The weekend started off slow..... as in, Scott had been working late the entire previous week... and I was alone with my children every freakin' night..... so when he comes home Friday, sick... I felt bad for him... I really did.... but by Saturday, when my children started to lose it and my patience was thin..... I was just downright grumpy!!!!!!!!!

Friday night, we went out with the Dawsons and the Huffs to grab some drinks and wing with all our kids... well, Katie and Jane were each down one kid to even us all out to two each. ;-)  It was great to get out... I really needed it after the week I had... but I could tell Scott was NOT feeling well, so that part was a bit of a downer......

Saturday morning, after I slept on the couch to give him space and the bed to himself.... I was not bringing my "A-Game." The kids were anxious to do something... and I was staring down a day of taking care of them alone... so we got the hell out of dodge and went to lunch at Panera and then to see the second Kung Fu Panda.  Luke's choice... Ally was less than thrilled, but I saw it as a lesson in "sometimes we all gotta do what we don't want to do!!"  ;-) I think she secretly enjoyed the movie, but will never admit it and I will never ask her to.

We went over to Scott's parents that evening because Scott's brother was in town... and Scott could take it easy there... sip his coke... and I could drink some wine.  :-)  After some wine... and some interaction with adults.... I was almost feeling human again.  I love my kids... but I am one who needs adult interaction on a regular basis. Adult support. Adult conversation. And, never forget... the adult beverage.  :-)

Sunday morning... Scott was feeling better (thank you sweet baby Jesus!).  Ally and I went to church at noon and then, I took her to her friend Kennedy's house where she was going to have a sleepover. I then, had some time alone to grab an iced latte.... and take a breather before I headed home. Grabbed a salad... went home, Luke was napping (he was a GRUMP all weekend, definitely fighting someting, we don't give him naps anymore!) and Scott and I sat on the deck for a couple hours of kid free silence.  Lovely!!!

Sunday night we had the fam over for drinks.... oh, and dinner too!  ;-)  A good time was had by all......

Monday was GORGEOUS!!!  So... I planned to take the kids to the pool, while Scott golfed with his dad and brother.  Luke and I grabbed Ally and Kennedy and off we went.... pool-bound!!!  We got there and it was slow... only four other people there... but it QUICKLY filled up with tons of kids... lots of which Ally knew.  We had the best day!  We ate chicken fingers and nachos poolside. Drank margaritas and when Daddy joined us.. bloody mary's..... and spent far too long there!  The girls and I burned... Luke and Scott spent plenty of time under the umbrella to play it safe. 

I barely saw Ally at all the entire day. She only came to find me to say she was hungry or thirsty... and Luke was such a trooper!  He was obviously feeling so much better and he loved everything about the place.  He went back and forth between the big pool and the kiddie pool... played independently, and just had a ball.  I am so happy we joined and thrilled we get to spend our summer at the pool!!!!  Bring on summer fun!!!!