Staying Positive...

I believe in focusing on the positive. I believe in talking more about what is good than bad in my life. I believe if you focus on the good, more good will come to you.

I firmly believe this. I do.

I believe a smile on your face can turn around a grumpy persons day. I know this because I do it every day. And in turn... My day can turn around too.

I believe in the power of positive thinking. Positive words.

So I don't always talk about the negative. I don't want to invite more into my world. Who does???

But my life is far from perfect. And sharing some reality now and then reminds everyone of that. Life isn't perfect. Life is sometimes quite negative.

I try to hold on to the fact that these shit moments that come far and few between the wonderful moments will make those wonderful moments all the more memorable.

Yesterday was shit. Pure shit.

Yesterday was one of those kind of days where you sit and think "what did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong? How have I failed this miserably?"

Yesterday was the kind of day that reminds me that my daughter who appears so tough ... Is anything but and can shatter in the blink of an eye.

Yesterday's blink? "Help clean the basement"

Seemingly small. Ally blew it up into an all night fit complete with screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, leaving the house, forcing me to make the decision to take her brother who was scared out of his mind to his grandmas, and generally making the evening misery.

Twice I calmed her. Held her. Forgave her. She would start up again. She could not let it go.

She turns into such a beast when this happens. She screams that I hate her and I want her to die. She says things that shatter me and then, what good am I??? I am a crying mess and neither of us can be the strong one. How can I be the mom he needs me to be when her words kill me??

How can she say these words??? No where has she heard such things. Scott and I do not speak that way to anyone. Ever. They always say that a child's behavior is learned behavior. What if it isn't true??? Scott and I have the most respectful relationship. We never ever call names. We never ever yell. We argue from time to time. Who doesn't. But it is always calm and always respectful. Name calling, accusations, screaming and throwing things is not a part of the equation. Ever.

People tell me to ask her what she wants. People say something bigger must me going on.

You all think I don't know this?

Come live in the heat of the moment when a ten year old is having a fit that includes some scary shit and tell me to stay calm and ask her what's really going on? It ain't gonna happen.

It sucks. Plain sucks. Some days I am scared of my own kid. I never know who she's gonna be. Then... We can go weeks and months without it ever happening again.

I am supposed to show her that I still love her no matter what. Yeah. Ok. I do. But dammit I am pissed at her actions. I do not love this shit. I hate this. I hate that she does this to our household. She holds us all emotionally hostage.

It's hard. It's hard each and every day with her. She has issues with anger. She gets so so mad. What the hell is she mad for?!?!

Rhetorical questions. I don't want answers. Truthful I don't even want to talk anymore about it. I am tired. I am spent. I am nearing the end of my rope when it comes to these moments.

Get over yourself and grow up little girl. Your life is no where as bad as you seem to think it is.