Dr. Visits...

Ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh. This morning I woke up feeling like someone had taken a steel pipe and beaten the crap out of me. I hurt everywhere. It hurt to walk because my face and teeth rattled with every step.  I was so tired.  It hurt to breathe. The clothes on my body made my skin hurt. I knew something was very wrong.

I had a cold last week. A pretty wicked one, along with Luke's croup.... so I pushed my cold aside and did what every mom does... take care of your kids... do what needs to be done.  And then... somewhere along the way, even though I felt like my cold was getting better, it turned on me! Today's diagnosis at the doc, "serious sinus infection" - he prescribed me an antiobiotic... a nasal spray and some steriods.  Good times.  I also got two homeopathic remedies... and a "take it easy" chat.  ;-)  Sure, uh huh... okay.  I have to work extra this week. I have to get myself ready for vacay and I have to get the kids ready for life without us around... lots of time to "rest up!"  HAHA!!!!

I was so sad this morning. I hate being THIS sick... with THIS much to do.  I had to drag my butt out of bed and out of the house... and get to work..... I'm already off next week. Can't afford more days really.  As a part-timer, I don't get sick days... and no one is really sure of the process for me to take unpaid time.  But, most of all.... I just NEED to work because I already moved heaven and earth to take the time off that I am taking...... so I just feel bad. Ya know? I know you can't help being sick and plenty of co-workers have yelled at me today.... but I am doing the best I can.....

I am really hoping the kids will enjoy snuggling and watching a movie after I pick them up. What do you suppose the chances are?  :-)))))))

In addition to work... Scott and I had an appointment with a child therapist that Ally has seen in the past... we are working therapy back into Ally's world.... and we needed our "catch up" appointment to let her know what's going on.  It went really well.  I forget how much I like her and appreciate her words of wisdom.  Even sick as I am, I had to drag myself to that appointment.......

We caught her up on the past few years... and she sat in amazement at all we have done to continuously improve our family life.  I so appreciated her kind words... letting us know that sometimes our kids are born with certain personalities and traits that have nothing to do with our parenting... and despite all best efforts... you can't easily change them.

It is so damn hard not to blame yourself when your kids act out.  Act up.  Or at times have fits such as Ally does.  We learned today that we are RIGHT... Ally SHOULD be acting differently.  She should be able to emotionally handle the type of situations that she can't.  Something is definitely off.  :-(  At eight years of age, Ally should be able to wait in line at Disney without having a breakdown and then, not be able to stop herself once she starts down the road of rage...... she can't do that...... and despite our best efforts.... and increased time with her..... constant prayers for patience....... and what have you... we need more help. 

Everyone laughs about our difficult children.  Not really at us... but everyone talks about how we have our hands full.  But no one really understands what we are going through. No one has our children. Suffers the daily pains we do, especially with Ally.  We have changed our lives to accomodate her... and we will continue to do so.. because that is our role.... but that doesn't make it easy.  It is hard each and every day. I feel like the more we give, the more and more she needs...... and it's never enough.  It's easy to say she is a "spoiled brat" because that's what she acts like. She acts like it's never enough...... but there is an underlying issue there that we need to figure out.  She doesn't choose to act like that. We don't choose to walk on eggshells around her.

So........ I am rambling cuz I am sick..........  ;-))))))  I guess the moral of my story is that I am so thankful that Scott and I are the kind of parents that aren't too proud to say.... "we need help."  I constantly look at my hubby, in a world of men who would never do the same in his shoes... and thank God that he is the way he is... that he embraces therapy...  that he is so active in our kids lives and that we work together each and every day to figure this out.... cuz dammit we are GOOD parents!!!!!!!!!!  We try so damn hard. 

In the past year we have made a conscious decision to be home with Ally more. I am working part-time now. I give her as much of "me" as I can.  I am there after school. I volunteer for just about everything I can in the school.  I am present in her life...... she knows that we have made these changes because she is important to us.

We made a decision to NOT go out during the week if at all possible. No babysitters during the school week. We maintain a constant schedule. Consistent days. We come home and do home work right away, almost ALWAYS have a sit down dinner as a family (a true rarity these days) and we have a family time each evening. We try to have CALM before bed. We don't allow her to be involved in too many activities that will run her down.  We really work very hard to maintain a good routine for the happiness of both the kids......

We do a lot as a family... we have a lot of fun.  And, yes... sometimes Scott and I need to go out, so we get a babysitter. We are careful in our choices. We don't let just anyone watch our children. We have a preschool teacher and an elementary teacher regularly watch them, in addition to Nana and Papa. We are careful of how much time they spend in anyone else's care..... and we make sure they know they are our number one.  Know what I mean?

That does not mean we are perfect... but I have to give us some credit..... as our therapist did today... because she could see we focus on that "what we might be doing wrong"...... and she told us how very proud she is of all that we were doing right..... so I am giving us a verbal pat on the back here. Dammit this parenting is HARD and we work even harder at it........

I guess this is why God gave us the tough one. ;-)  He knew we wouldn't crack under the pressure. Though dammit..... sometimes I have my days....... just last night after a trying bed time routine where Luke didn't want to go to bed and Ally just couldn't calm down to sleep.... I said to Scott "I don't want to be a parent anymore........."  And I'm not ashamed to admit I have those moments........ I felt like screaming at Luke... and telling Ally just to sit freakin still for two minutes and she would fall asleep....... but I went and laid next to Luke and told him I would help him relax....... and Ally, well, my patience was less than stellar.... but I tried.  ;-)

So..... today..... the point here in this post (I'm pretty sure I've lost every reader by now)..... is that parenting is hard. And parenting my children is harder.  And I hate you just a little bit if your kid is easy going.... ;-) ...and I don't want to hear your judgement on the fact that mine are not.... cuz it's by no fault of mine... and I work harder than any parent with a super easy child...... and I am blessed to stand up to my challenge. And I'm doing a mighty fine job.  Sick as hell and everything........  ;-)