Traveling with the Devil...

I have many, many wonderful things to say about my travels over the past two weeks... and I have every intention of getting to that... but first I must start at the end... because it's such a VERY good place to start.....

"Our Flight Home from North Carolina"

Screenplay by: Nicole McIntosh
Starring: Luke McIntosh
Supporting Cast: Allison McIntosh, Nicole McIntosh, Cathy McIntosh, Jane Dawson, Grace Dawson

What you are about to read were atual events that took place on Sunday, August 30, 2009.... the names have NOT been changed. There are no innocent parties to protect. Only guilty...

After a long, tiring, but wonderful week on the Outer Banks of North Carolina.... the McIntosh family must make the long journey home back to Michigan... for the past two years, the men (my father-in-law, brother-in-law and husband) have driven while us women (my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and I) fly with the children (Luke, Ally and Grace - my children and niece).

We fly into Norfolk, VA as it is the closest airport to the Outer Banks. We rent a minivan from there and it is about a 3 hour drive by car to reach our destination....

Sunday morning, we have to check out of our cottage by 10 am. Since our flight is not until 4:00 pm... we have some time to "kill" before we go to the airport. We take a leisurely drive up to Duck on the Island... and do a little shopping before we head to our prechosen lunch location. We know we need to hit this fabulous Southern Style restaurant because last year the fried chicken was to die for! Duck was very quaint... shopping went well. I bought the kids each a final "souvenier" at this adorable toy store. And we looked at some little boutiques to pass our time.

We then head to lunch... and are disappointed to learn that the place has changed ownership and does not have the same food we had last year. A bit of a bummer... but we are there and have to eat.... so we do....

We head to the airport.... and I am going to drop the kids, my mother-in-law and Jane off at the curb to make it easier.... I will drop the rental off on my own. We reach the curbside drop off point.... and start to unload.... we cannot... for the life of us... get Luke's carseat out!!!!! We are either too weak to manage or just too dumb to work the thing correctly... but we have to ask two police officers to assist us because (of course) we don't have the freakin' time to mess around with this... as we like to cut everything pretty close and we just have enough time to run to our gate for departure.

The police officers (yes, it took two) were able to get the seat out, thank god.... and I did about 90 around the airport to return the car to the rental company. I run to the terminal in time to help check the car seats in with Jane... we then run towards our gate.....

Uh oh.... STARBUCKS.... it's been over a week since I've had an iced latte. Must stop quickly and get one.

Fatal error. Fatal.

Luke sees this latte as ICE CREAM. He is convinced I just got some sort of ice cream drink and that he is missing out. He starts to scream at the top of his little 20 month old lungs.....

"I CEAM!!!!!! I CEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I give him a sip... thinking this will prove to him that is NOT in fact ice cream.... but the little shit LIKES it and keeps screaming for MORE!

"MOY!!! MOY!!!"

I am under no circumstances giving this child espresso. Holy shit. Not a good plan!!!!!!!

So, the fight begins. He is not happy. I try to calm him. He is pissed............

We go to our gate and our seats are unassigned. WTF? They assign them as we board... and Ally and I are not together. I explain to the friendly gate attendee that this "ain't gonna work for me buddy..." :-) He asks me to board last and that he will take care of "moving individuals around"

I am in the very front row (small plane, no first class)... so the poor bastard who has to move gives up his front row aisle seat. For what seat in what row, I don't know, but I'm sure it was not as good.... and I'm damn glad I'm not the one asking him to give up his seat.....

We sit down..... and Ally has a total and complete BREAK DOWN that there is no tray!!!!! The front row has no seat in front of it... so therefore, no tray visible. I, of course, know the tray comes out of the side... but cannot convey this to her fast enough. She is in full meltdown mode. Holy shit. You have GOT to be KIDDING me. Over a tray. Seriously?

So..... we overcome that......... I show Ally the tray. She starts to breathe normally. In the meantime...... Luke is barely holding on by a thread. He's really quite upset...... and becoming more and more so as the minutes tick by.

Jane hands me a sucker......

This calms him for a couple minutes......

The flight attendant brings beverages around. She asks me what I would like. Seriously? Think I can balanace a cup of liquid and these two children? REALLY lady? REALLY???? Ally asks for cranberry juice. We pull her tray out.....

You can see where this is headed, can't you?

Oh yeah... cranberry juice goes flyin...... all over her precious stuffed animal, her back pack and her new toy....... meltdown city. She is heartbroken................ tears, tears, tears........

Luke starts to lose it again......

Jane hands me Grace's milk......

He throws it......

Here we go. Full. F-in. Meltdown.

We are screaming. We are ANGRY! He is screaming at the top of his lungs.... GO!!!! DOWN!!!!! OUT!!!!!! He wants off this plane. Believe me buddy... I do to!!!!!!!! His face is bright red. He is kicking.... he is strong as hell and it takes every ounce of my strength to hold on to him and keep him in my lap. This goes on for quite some time. Felt like two hours... probably 10 minutes...

My mother-in-law is seated a couple rows back..... she tries to take him.... this does not go well. I take him back and he is even angrier than before.

Jane hands me another sucker......

My mother-in-law takes him and tries standing up with him up near the cockpit.... he throws the sucker. He hates the world. He hates suckers. He hates planes. He is one angry little shit.......

So angry that he has explosive diarhea............ oh yeah......... shit everywhere............ it's lovely.

We go back to the very scary, tiny bathroom to change his diaper...... I am balancing his screaming, smelly, shitty ass..... the diaper and wipes in there.... I put the diaper down and it falls into the sink, which is OF COURSE full of water........ I desperately try to dry the diaper. I cannot make the trip back to my seat to get another........

He is screaming all the while. This time, screams of complete horror for the place he is in. He cannot believe I have placed him on a table in this scary, loud closet!!!!!!! Totally freaking out......... we use all the wipes in the case to clean him.... change him......... rediaper him......... and get the hell out of there.........

He starts to calm as I walk down the aisle. I stay standing for a while at my seat with him. He is calming down........... THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The flight attendant tells me I need to take my seat. I mentally stab her with a large knife.......

Luckily, Luke is okay with this............ the bathroom did him in......... he is physically exhausted...... he passes out..... I hear the pilot say we are landing......

That's about right............

So, the little shit sleeps for the last 15 minutes of the flight. At least there were those 15 minutes of silence on the 1 1/2 hour journey. I am certain everyone on the plane wishes me dead.

We land...... still sleeping....... we have to wait forever on the runway...... still sleeping........ we arrive at our gate and everyone starts to get up and commotion ensues. Luke wakes up. Oh lord....... he is pissed, pissed, PISSED at this. For some reason, the freakin' jetway is taking about forever to get to our plane.................... and all the bastards are standing up in the aisle....... not letting ME with the screaming child stand up....... did they NOT notice this is what shut him up the last time?

No........ they are in a hurry to get off that plane......... I guess I can respect that...............

We finally start to move off.

I get the stroller and put him it it... my arms are so weak I can barely push the stroller........

Luke absolutely FLIPS out in the stroller.......... OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOWN!!!!!!!!!! He is screaming as he is trying to work his way out. I am RUNNING down the jetway with him......... holding the stroller all the way back so he can't get out............. but he has turned himself all the way around... onto his belly and is sliding off the front of the stroller...... "DOWN!!!!!" he continues to yell........ and his literally hanging on to the stroller front.... and hanging off the front as I continue to run off the plane.....................

We get into the airport and he breaks free of the stroller.... and starts to run as fast as he can BACK TO THE DAMN PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really? You really want to go BACK there buddy? REALLY????????

A disgruntled passenger runs interference for me and grabs him.

I am hysterical at this point......... hysterical.............

Mommy needs a drink. Stat.